If an Adult Doesn’t Like to Be Humiliated, Why on Earth Do We Think a Child Does?
Recently a father went on Facebook to air out his anger as well as actions in what he thought would be a good lesson for his daughter to learn after breaking some rules.
Of course the post went viral with tons of responses, but while I read his comment about the circumstances, other issues came to mind about what was not shared on that very public day.
I certainly understand why this father (Kevin Jones) was upset in his discovery. However, there was a key line in his Facebook message that popped out to me that we as parents should take heed to.
I drew my attention to one line that revealed something that maybe others didn’t pick up. “I uncovered that she had been doing this for quite some time.”
So that tells me several things. Rules were implemented, but for some reason were not checked for a period of time. Was the computer in plain view to see in case there was an issue? If sites were accessed through a phone, were checks being done? We will never really know the answers but these are good questions as parents to ask ourselves when it comes to the internet and how our pre-teens and teens can access sites. If we as parents implement rules, we as parents also need to follow up on them.
I think anyone in his position would be very angry (rightly so) but unfortunately in a rash decision, shame as a correction was brought to this young daughter (who by all means was too mature for her physical age being 10 and 5’9). As parents we all need to take some responsibility when it comes to our teens and children accessing sites through computers and phones. By doing so, it can save grief for us parents and keep our children safe from the dangers of the internet.
Now I realize that pre-teens are smart and can outwit and manipulate to the tenth degree, but we as parents HAVE to be smarter. That is one of the reasons why I wrote, “Mom The Spy” to give a glimpse into the world of us parents needing to stay on top of things. Like all parents, we are either in denial or make bad mistakes, just like this dad and many of us have.
Could he have handled this situation much differently and still get a good result from it? Absolutely YES! But, we will never know because when parents make these types of decisions (with anger) by public humiliation, there is a lost opportunity to making a difference and keep a child’s self-esteem intact as well as a loss to open communication with a parent.
Pre-teens nowadays are growing up faster than ever before. It is difficult to stop what has been started and they themselves don’t always understand why they do the things they do. Remember, their brains are not fully developed yet. There are of course others who do know, like when they are repeatedly in complete rebellion with their parents.
In reality, I don’t live with this family and don’t know the dynamics of this family, but this father’s response is a growing trend among parents who are frustrated, and angry.
Pre-teens are going to push the boundaries out of curiosity and peer pressure. We need to expect that. We hope that they won’t break trust or do something to put them in harm’s way; however our first goal is to educate them in WHY we make the rules that we do. Shoving a bunch of rules down their throats and expecting them to obey to the fullest will only lead them to disrespect us as parents. It doesn’t allow them to at least have a tiny bit of room to earn some responsibility and trust as well as add their own thoughts to what is going on in their age group.
Communication is the key, along with some rules and consequences. There is nothing wrong with giving consequences but I believe that it is something to discuss beforehand, not after the fact in which you are putting your pre-teen in a predicament of humiliation or more harm down the line.
Here’s an example. What IF a child gets so upset about the public humiliation that they try to harm themselves? What IF they ran away because in their mind, they thought their parent hated them and didn’t love them anymore by making that punishment so public? What IF they lost any good friends that they did have because they were all afraid of this parent and also being publicly humiliated? Do you see where this is going?
Public humiliation seems to be on the rise but not every child, pre-teen or teenager will respond in the same way and it leaves room for some very serious emotional and quite possibly physical injuries. This isn’t the “Look and see what my kid did and how I’m going to respond!” game. I appreciate the fact that this father tried to do something right because honestly there are a lot of fathers out there that do not care at all. But unfortunately, he was misdirected into believing that public shame is the answer.
So, if you find that your kid had done something really wrong, take some time to cool down and “privately” speak to someone who can give you some good perspective before reacting.
Remember, there are ALWAYS underlying issues going on and some of it may have to do with you as the parent.
The purpose of this post is to bring out the trending issue of parents humiliating or shaming their children on the internet for the benefit of correcting their children. Although for some, the correction has worked. However, for many it only instilled a disrespect, hatred or hurt that could and will be detrimental to that child or teen’s well being. This post is NOT about bashing Mr. Jones. Humiliating a child publicly should never happen and correction should be a private matter.
I am making my post public because I am speaking up for the child or teen who cannot speak for themselves (Case in point – the recent story of a mother who shaved her daughter’s head because she didn’t brush her hair and my other post called, “Abusing Your Gift – Thinking of You Jake”).
I have seen countless children/teens humiliated by their parents and it turned into nothing positive. Should I sit back and let it continue or should I speak truth and remind parents that their children are gifts from God that should be treated respectfully, even in correction or punishment. We are to correct with love but unfortuntely in Mr. Jones case, even though I am sure he loved his daughter very, very much, the correction was not in her best interest.
If I say nothing, then that would speak as if I am agreeing with Mr. Jones and I do not. I am sure he is a very nice person, but I am also sure that most counselors and those in the psychological field would not agree with this approach.
How is that humiliating? He told everyone how old she is? and that there are rules? The fruit of this man’s actions can be easily judged. You know not the root of them and it is not your business parade his decision around like that. Your job is to love and support God, others, and yourself. put the gavel down lady. Its much easier to love wearing white robes. I love you!
Please read above. Thanks.
I agree with you that he was trying to protect her innocence which every parent should do. But public humiliation is not the way to go about it. An option would have been to take her to the police station and have the officers put a good fear in her by explaining the huge pedophile situation young girls get into by the things she was doing (going on social sites and saying she was older). They would have showed her how much danger she was putting herself in. It would have made the father look like he was protecting her instead of shaming her which unfortunately is the end result of what happened.
Stacey, please explain to me how publicly broadcasting his daughters true age is public humiliation. I think he was trying to save honest men from a dishonest situation. Shaming his daughter may have just been an un-decidedly poor outcome of what had to be done. Id want to know if the girl I was falling in love with was really just a pre-teen.
The age was not just the issue. He took a picture of her and posted her picture on his facebook. He also made her wear a shirt that displayed her age and her grade. He went further by trying to alter her appearance by adding pink bow barrettes in her hair and then proceeded to say how she lied about her age and also had a boyfriend who most likely was older than her. Saying the age is one thing, but doing all those other things was not appropriate. The public didn’t need to know that information. And unfortunately the very ones who are pedophiles and go after young girls may have found a new target. It is now easier for people to look up his name, where he lives, how many children he has, their ages, and so forth. That one public thing he did now exposed more than just the issue. I can understand what you are saying about a man wanting to make sure he was dating someone his age and not younger, but that man needs to be more wise and investigate a little bit to make sure the person he dates is truly the age they say they are. As to your other comment that you wrote me, I would rather answer that more privately. If you could send me a note to my blog address (an*************@gm***.com) I would be more than happy to give you my response. Thank you.
I have read your other posts. As I mentioned, I would love to speak to you more about what you have been sharing with me, but I would also like to share with you as well some things that I feel will enlighten you to why I wrote this story. If you have the time, please contact me through the blog email. I would be happy to answer the questions you have been asking, but more privately. Thank you.
We are a spectacle for men and angels. fools for Christ’s sake.
Please read the bottom on my post. The issue is speaking up for the child who cannot speak up for themselves just like Jesus did. I cannot sit back while this issue is very public and do nothing. Parents need to know that this is not the right route in correcting your child/teen. I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate what you have shared. I also have added two links to help you understand why I need to speak up. http://www.popsugar.com/moms/Mom-Shaves-Daughter-Head-Punishment-36063240 (mother who shaved her daughter’s head and posted it on Facebook) and a different post I wrote about parents who think it is funny by bashing their children. http://anchorofpromise.com/2014/06/22/heartbroken-for-jake/ By speaking up, we are in essence providing others that there is another answer to this issue instead of humiliating children/teens for the entire world to see. That is something you cannot take back and it will only cause major division or loss of a relationship between a parent and a child. Unfortunately I have seen too many situations where children/teens were emotionally abused by circumstances like this. By spending time with them, you hear their stories and just want to cry and hold them. And I also have been exactly in his shoes as a child/teen breaking the rules, so I know what I am talking about. I didn’t have to parade his decision, he did that himself by making his decision public. My love and support is saying, “Hey, there’s a better way to correct and show love at the same time.” Jesus was a prime example of showing this. Love you too! 😀
I have to agree with you on this, Stacy. Consequences/punishment for breaking the rules should NEVER be public! There should be a discussion with the parent RESPONDING, NOT REACTING to breaking the house rules! My dad was a prime example of that. When my brothers and I got disciplined (which was pretty rare- twice spanked for me, a little more for my older brothers… we learned what NOT to do from them! hehehe!), it was NEVER when he was angry with us. He always let us know WHY we were disciplined and he NEVER went and told his buddies about it, I’m sure. I think he hurt as much as we did about disciplining us! We always knew he loved and respected us… no matter what! I look back & I can’t imagine that he ever would’ve used public humiliation to get his point across! It NEEDS to be between parent and child… NOT for the whole potential world to see! Otherwise, WHO is the child to trust? Their friends? Friends come and go. It NEEDS to be the parents! Parents NEED to behave like the adults that they are, NOT like another mean teen! Thanks for posting this!
so very true!
I’m glad you’re talking about this. It breaks my heart that public shaming of kids is becoming more and more applauded on social media as a good parenting strategy. How sad that we would take the easy way rather than building conversation about the issue and trust between parent and child. We live in a big and scary world. Kids need to be able to trust their parents as they are facing new challenges every day. I’m curious, what would your response be to a friend that you saw do something like this?
Thanks for responding. As to your friend, I would first let them know that I can see their frustration, anger and hurt. Recognizing what they are going through is the key to connecting and helping the teen/child. Once that door is open, you can than share about when kids act up or do things wrong, most of the time there is an underlying issue such as depression, bullying, trauma that happened to them that you as a parent don’t know about. They could also be doing it for attention or to see if their parent really does care about them. There are many different reasons. But the real answer is communicating with your child/teen and letting them know that whatever is going on, you can work on it together to help both the parent and them. In most cases that I have seen or know about, the teen/child were acting out or doing wrong things because of an issue that transpired in their life. Letting a parent know that there can be help for both and having negative behavior turn into a positive experience will only encourage them. Not all kids act out. In fact, one situation in which I wrote about in how the mother emotionally attacked her son with disturbing and negative words really came from the mom’s issue. Here, she had learned it as a child herself by her own mother and that got passed down to her and from there to her son. She didn’t even realize how negative and hurtful she was to her son because she was use to that type of abuse from her own mother. Most of the time when parents react, it is because of anger, fear, hurt and more. You could also share about some of the stories you heard and how it affected you and what would you do differently as a parent. Again, it is opening the doors of communication as well as finding answers to a very serious problem.